“– Revenant had supped of the Shaman’s elixirs
Yet still its condition was rabid dire
Returned as it did from Wasteland to Bolthole
A journey marked by shit and eldritch fi-iy-yire
Upon the coach trail, the path to Salvation
A portal did open, in the fabric of Real
Beyond that glimmering shroud, strange parallel Nation
A table was set, in house of Libation
Now The Revenant’s Ally, unlikely, the Bard –”
“Hmmm. Yeah, right-o. Nup, fuck that.”
Belching rotten cabbage, Ed Von Satán put the Witchfingerer tape out of its misery.
The undead pub rocker, cresting fifty going on 27 eternal, had been just off the Overdimensional track back into Wangkur when the agonies struck hard.
He was grinding away at a GrintCo Servo Bic, trying to get a lung buster lit, when a phantom vice grabbed his entire large intestine and gave it a hefty twist. Shock had Ed stomping on the accelerator as his good eye momentarily blurred wet. The old Bedford lurched into a scrubby verge, pinging a succession of lane markers. Ed hauled his foot off the gun as alien torment fisted its way southerly.
The van settled in a spume of red dust, which hung sort of hypnotically in the blazing Western Arcadian sunset.
Ed hadn’t noticed anything particularly lyrical about his sitch.
He shouldered the cabin door open, then carefully slid out of the cockpit, the fiery prolapse marching into his sphincter sharpening him.
Ed, mate, his surprisingly calm inner monologue rasped. About those five out-of-date Chiko Rolls and the slab of Four X you knocked off with Ron after he’d serviced the –
The thought was cut off by a turtle’s head touching rarely-laundered cheetah-print bikini brief.
That sharpened Ed even further – he snapped left: fuck all but bush, then right: wouldn’t you bloody know it, long-drop salvation.
He unbuckled and dropped, waddle-shuffling up to the structure. Hot pink
DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER DANGER DO NOT ENTER
Read the full story in Yarns From the Fuck-You-Ni-Verse.