EXCERPT – DR LARA CAIN GRAY REVIEWS HOME BREWED by Garth Jones

Consider my gob well and truly smacked – this review knocked me on my arse and then some. Read the full thing here while I retire to my fainting couch.

“Comparisons elsewhere have been to Hunter S Thompson and Tom Robbins. I see shades of John Birmingham, Mad Max and Spinal Tap. This is grotty, grimy, larrikin smut. Unapologetically vulgar, it takes anything you thought of as taboo and throws it in your face while it flips you the finger. If you don’t own any pearls, now’s the time to pick some up. You’ll be clutching tight.

So, why the heck is little miss picture book librarian so into it? I can see why you might ask. I might not seem like the target audience for a series that reads like Russell Mulcahy took acid and had a fight with the Urban Dictionary, but this is actually one delicious read. It’s funny, anarchic, original and ridiculous. When I first read Volume One, I described it to a friend as a palate cleanser. I have a pretty eclectic TBR, but a lot of it is worthy, literary, cautiously crafted and market-focussed tomes that frankly get a bit same-y sometimes. It’s so healthy to be shocked out of your reading routine…“

As I said, read the lot here.
Follow Lara on Twitter here.

Daredevil: Season 2 by Garth Jones

And lo, Marvel’s crimson Catholic head-kicker returns to your streaming device* for a highly anticipated second season of angsty, claret-soaked pulp vigilantism.

Setting up shop squarely in The Dark Knight’s thematic bailiwick, season two is an exercise in escalation: melodrama ratcheted right up, bruising, head mashing violence ratcheted right up, meditations on crime and punishment to the fore.

To wit: in stark contrast to season one’s tepid slow burn, we’re immediately introduced to Jon Bernthal’s (Fury) Frank Castle, AKA The Punisher (essentially Michael Myers with Arnie’s Commando arsenal). 

Frank doesn’t just maim his quarry like Ol’ Hornhead - he straight up murders them in a hail of high velocity, Ted Nugent endorsed gunfire.

Because ‘justice’.

Castle’s modus operandi sets up season two’s central concern: do the ends justify the means

Our man Matt Murdock (Charlie Cox) is forced to question the effectiveness of his methods, first by Castle, and then, later, his wildcat college flame Elektra (the revelatory Élodie Yung).

Then there’s a certain cantankerous, stick-wielding former mentor hovering on the periphery...

Structurally, Daredevil Season Two’s thirteen episodes could be considered a trilogy of interconnecting tele-films, each embracing a pulp genre.

We begin with the Death Wish pathos of The Punisher, move on to the sassy heists and saucy romance of the Elektra arc (given some extra nuance by the courtroom drama of Frank’s trial), the ensuing prison film tropes and… well, that would be telling.

Daredevil season two’s grander narrative canvas is ambitious, but, sadly, let down by some extremely threadbare dialogue, ropey supporting performances (those appalling Oirish accents!) and impressive fight choreography betrayed by murky lighting and cinematography.

Still, the core cast, both original and returning, are incredibly game, with newcomers Bernthal and Yung in particular bringing dazzling new colour and shade to proceedings.

Once more drawing the bulk of its inspiration from Frank Miller’s seminal 1980s run of funny-books (with a lick of Garth Ennis for good measure- what he’d think of those accents would beggar belief), this second season of Daredevil, whilst perhaps a tad over-long and on-the-nose, script wise, confirms that the Netflix Marvel universe is the place to be for a cheeky spot of vaguely adult (ish) superheroic drama which is less “shit dropping out of the sky” and more “oh god I never realised I needed to see Frank Castle shoot someone’s face right off on a telly show”.

Get to it!

*There.

A  Netflix Marvel show review with zero references to ‘binge-viewing’.

I’m good.

RENDITIONED @ NIGHTMARE FUEL MAGAZINE by Garth Jones

The very last things you remember:
The bitter backwash of cinnamon crumbs and whiskey, a furnace in your gut.
The sinister chime of a child’s laughter.
A scrawled note charring black as light is snuffed.

The very first thing you hear, ground coal and static:

“Wake him.”

The second:
Clarion bells, amplified to cataclysm, a vibrational assault that stuns you alert, threatening your organs with liquefaction, bones pulp and jelly.
The bells bring immediate, unfathomable pain, furious seams of amber congealing as vision returns.

Before you, your dulled reflection, upturned. Black blood threads your wild beard, above which collapsing eye sockets trend fused and purple.
Drooling lacerations seep towards the segmented rectangular portal beneath you, an accelerated march of reversed plasma, cruel downwards pressure on your abused cranium.

Regardless, your situational awareness training kicks in.
This is familiar.

You are strapped to an inverted rig in a cramped, spheroid chamber, throbbing crimson.

Sight resolves, pulls focus, even as the violence visited on your sensory organs escalates.

Beyond the atrocity of your reflection is an aperture staffed by the wraith-silhouettes of your captors.

There is no panic, only temporary relief when the bells’ affliction halts, eerie with resolve.

Then, a hiss – a torment  in rubber vestments is upon you, High Priest of Inoculation.
Syringe withdrawn, payload transferred with a volcanic sting and another hiss as the wraith retreats.

Educated guess: C11H17NaO2S.

Sodium thiopental.

Truth stuff.

The ground coal voice is back, a horned apparition..

“We know you’ve been very, very bad, Nicholas.”
Familiar.
Your larynx, chewed rubber, evokes defiance.
“Let’s not be banal, Agent. We’re well aware of your abuse of the international finance networks;  flagrant clandestine flights utilising classified tech to aide and abet your rogue state clientele…”

Slow and agonising, you’re flipped right way up, painting your vandalised bulk with Sumi-e whorls of viscera, creaking tendons detaching at the bone.

It hurts.

“You were the best. Recruited to the Air America operation, proving yourself with decades of loyal service, eventually given the honour of Gottlieb’s longevity serum and the rank you… enjoyed.”
Your larynx finds purchase on tortured syntax.
“F’nnnn… jak… guhncidal… scuh…”
Barely perceptible pause from the interrogator.
Your hippocampus throbs with a name, a previous relationship, inaccessible.

They continue.

“We feel it’s pertinent to inform you that your … colleagues have been summarily dispensed with. Do eight bodies constitute a mass grave? I suppose. We’ve been aware of your extrajudicial activities for some time now. You’ve gone rogue, Nick. Deploying top secret American assets to support your anti-Capitalist agenda? Covertly lifting urban populations and certain regimes out of poverty? We’ve noticed the patterns, the dates. Your cover’s blown, Communist. No wonder you choose the Red –”

You find that syntax as curdled laughter boils up, spit-flecked and defiant. 

You found a name.

“Then what in the Hell do you want from me then, dammit, Don?”

Another pause, briefer this time:

“Oh Nick, this is not an interrogation. This is an exit interview.”

Then: “Open it.”

Iron organs grind beneath the segmented oblong portal below – there’s no use for the bells.
You know they don’t matter.
You’re going into The Chimney, feet first.

The rig you’re strapped to shudders and begins its descent, the oblong narrowing as The Chimney churns hungrily beneath you.

A foot lower, then two, then it’s your feet.
There’s heat down there, coming on quick, overtaking the agony of being pulped alive.

You’re jolly thick, a real meal.

Bones pulped, flesh melting as you’re incrementally refined, essentially coal (that’s for the bad ones) you chuckle once – ho – and the very last thing you hear is:

“Lapland base? Christen Agent XV. They have a busy evening ahead.”

It’s December 24.

To all a good night.

Home brewed, vampire bullets, vol one is out now! by Garth Jones

⚡️Buy the ebook!
⚡️Get it in print!
⚡️Review it!

Praise:

“A book U kan open up to any page and it POPS and FUCKS UP ya Sensibilities and Expectations”Duvay Knox, The Pussy Detective

“Brilliant - reminds me of Richard Allen fuelled mayhem, Stewart Home and Deadline!”Jenny Valentish, Everything Harder Than Everyone Else

“F*cking great stuff – relentlessly funny and inventive. I was p*ssing myself!” Tony Martin, The Late Show

“a sense of authenticity that's as painfully funny as a nurse ripping out a catheter (as if she was) starting up a cantankerous Victa”Neil Blanch, Dr Radium

“Satirical, violent, low-brow... Basically, it's loaded with the good stuff”Zachary Ashford, When The Cicadas Stop Singing

"Lo-fi burn out Oz rock occult Ozploitation… cheap whisky chased with Doc Neeson blood!" - Christian Read, The Lark Case Files

"Explodes in a hell-fest of pulp fiction, dripping with blood and colour… international cream, however twisted, rises”Ambit Magazine

“Uproariously, deliciously weird & hallucinatory - part Ginsberg, part fictitious rock & roll bio, with plenty of otherworldly chaos”JM Donellan, Killing Adonis

“There is nothing like Home Brewed, Vampire Bullets Vol One. It’s new,  weird and out-there, and that makes it too good not to get into” Richard Cooke, Tired of Winning